there are so many things i could have done tonight.
i could have stayed up and read through the night. i could have made calls, one after another, to unanswered phones. i could have gone clubbing, and stumbled home at 5am, reeking of alcohol and smoke. i could have gone for a drive, and likely crashed into a tree, as stoned as i am on pills and water. i could have lain, awake and lonely and cold, on my bed, until the birds started to sing to the sunrise. i could have slept through the dark hours, dreaming of change, or desire, or missed chances, grinding my teeth and waking up with an ache in my jaw. i could have gotten drunk on misery, and wept silent hot angry tears that i have nobody to blame for but myself. and you.
i'm sorry for not going to class. i'm sorry for not wanting to do anything. i'm sorry. but i am falling apart and i don't know how to put myself back together. this feeling is unbearable and won't you, please, do something to stop it feeling so painful?
