December 10, 2002 Tuesday - 02:26
it really freaks me out.. that people are getting all these invitations to scholarship talks and things... and i am NOT.. it makes me feel so.. worthless.. so unwanted.. so.. so.. i dunno... no-hope.
i've been reading random blogs.. first this girl from my senior senior senior class, then a link from her to a j1 (how do they know each other anyway?) then to another j1.. then to another fella. this guy mentioned some random blog.. which had a pic.. and this person's sister.. is my friend!!! it totally weirds me out. it's like this 6 degrees of separation thing. exactly six.
but anyway. she was mentioning too all the talks and things she was going for. *wipes hand over face* i dunno. i really dunno. did i do that badly? it makes me feel really awful. like some sort of doom is hanging over me. should i even *try* for PSC? there are all these people who have been invited to tea sessions and stuff who won't get the scholarship.. much less stupid ol' me.
i dunno, man. it just makes me feel so sad. i am so infinitely inferior. i feel... hurt. like my boyfriend (not that i have one) broke up with me.
it's made me realise.. how much i've taken things for granted. most likely, i'm not gonna get a scholarship. i'm not gonna get into stanford. or yale. or oxford. or anywhere. most likely, i'm not good enough. to impress any scholarship panel. to change the world. to do anything good. most likely, i will go to NUS, and do law, or biz ad, or accountancy. which are perfectly respectable courses.
but these are not my dreams. my dreams, they are crumbling, piece by piece, into ashes. and the light in which i have lived these last few months is fading. i cannot find in myself the energy to hope.
and as always, i feel that this is but a reflection of the essential pathetic-ness of my life. am i not useless. liking a boy who lives half a world away, whose life is half a universe above mine. wanting to be beautiful but being fat and stupid and ugly.
friends can say, i will be there for you when you need me. but i cannot turn to them, because they will not understand. they will analyse and break down everything into parts. but it is not the parts that worries me. it is the whole, the vast unimaginable, unmanageable whole, that scares me. the darkness of the whole has been lurking all this while.. and now
and now,.. it overwhelmes me.