soaring arches of wind
February 03, 2003 monday - 00:44
am extremely tired. just now some of my mum's friends came chinese new year visiting, and i just sat there stoning at them. i think if someone pushed me i would have just toppled over *bam*
i just realised a friend of mine is no longer in the same country as i. she's
everyone is leaving. so many people are going off.. for so long. it is hard to let go (not like i have a choice).
i can't imagine what it will be like to leave. to separate myself from my family. i wouldn't say i was extremely close to them, but.. they have always been there for me. i know that if i need anything, my parents will provide it. money or food or love or anything anything. and when they aren't home - off overseas or late from a wedding dinner or concert or something - the house feels hollow and empty.
i can't bear to leave my parents. i wouldn't ever be able to enjoy myself, knowing that someone is waiting for me, thinking of me, trying to accept that i am not there. i wouldn't be able to go to a party or a lecture or a dinner and laugh and joke and have fun without feeling some echo of this loneliness.
if my sister wants to go to the uk to study, let her go. i will stay and be with my parents. they are not old enough yet to have to suffer an empty home. we are after all their children. we belong to them. we have our own lives, true, but these lives had their beginnings in the safe and loving arms of my mother. how can we be separate from them? they are a part of us.
i want to help people. i want to make lives better.
i won't be so egoistic as to declare that i love everyone.
but i want to help. i want to be able to comfort someone who is hurting, be it spiritually or mentally or physically.
but how do i?