December 25, 2002 Christmas - 16:26
well, it's christmas. and i'm bored.
what's been going on in my life? nothing much.
i went to (my) church on sunday for the first time since i started studying from the prelims. and it was the first time i ever felt like God was speaking to me. the sermon was about Mary, and about how she let God work in her life (to have the baby Jesus and all that). and how we should let God have more control of our lives too, no matter how hard it may be.
and yeah, i feel much better. about not getting into stanford, about scholarships, about uni, and stuff. i don't know how, but i decided that i SHOULD stay in singapore. that it would be better to forget about doing psychology, getting scholarships, and things. and somehow i don't feel so much like i'm giving up on my dreams.. i feel more like God has closed some doors which were meant to be closed.
i don't feel so repulsed by the singapore u any more. i don't feel so much that i shouldn't do law. i guess this is the road God wants me to take. it's inexplicable, why i suddenly have this total about-face.. and there is some regret.. but i'm happy with this decision.
and my parents are VERY happy. lol. it's much cheaper, and i'll be home, in singapore, so they won't have to miss me.. yeah. i feel good about that.
and having made this decision, i feel very much at peace.
it still hurts, very much, that i got rejected from stanford.. but i know it's cos God has other plans for me. and i'm so thankful that He is there to guide me. because no way would i have been able to decide what to do with my life without Him.
the year is ending.
it hasn't really been a good year. it was an incredibly painful year. and a very hungry one. but yeah, i am proud that i went through it all.
it's not just the year that is ending.. it's my childhood as well. i need to grow up now, i need to be more responsible now, i need to be an adult now. it's scary.
mais ou sont les neiges d'antan?
my lit teacher mentioned this phrase once during class.. i think we were doing philip larkin. and it's such a beautiful, beautiful phrase. and incredibly sad at the same time. it's like.. time is a landscape, and behind me are the soft winters of the past, the pain made mellower by memory (alliteration, haha). before me, is uncertainty.
and i have to decide what to do with this future. what do i want to make of it?
i guess what i've learnt this year is that: no matter how useless i feel, or how inferior, or how meaningless, or how worthless, or how much there never seems to be a way out... it will be okay. there will be an end to the suffering. and that God is faithful. even if i can't see Him, even if i doubt Him, even if i deny Him, and even if i don't trust Him.
i need to hang on to this.
it will be okay.