slaughter of elysium, hearts on fire, aroused, enraptured
May 10, 2002 Friday - 23:14
Sometimes i feel like this is all a dream and that i will wake up and be thin and beautiful. And it's such an impossibility, and at the same time is something i really really want, i feel like crying. If only it were that easy. But nothing i do seems to work.
The frustration is building up all the time. The immense amount of work that i have to do. The pressure of relationships with other people. The ugliness i have to live with. I wish i could just hide inside myself and tune the world out when something irritates my sensibilities but i cannot. everything hits me harder somehow and i feel like i cannot cope. Sometimes - no, most times - i feel like crying. or collapsing. life is such a terrible terrible drag.
I'm so tired of the life i live, the friends i have, the way i think, everything that is me. i'm tired of liking the same guy for so long, i'm tired of looking the way i do. i want to be someone else. i want to be no-one.
i really feel like committing suicide. it doesn't seem like such a big deal anyhow. you live, and you die. what is the difference? what is the difference? death negates all human meaning. there is nothing left for the temporal existence and the soul passes into eternity in God's presence. all the mundane and frustrating situations of this world become irrelevant. but it would really hurt my parents, and they have given me so much, and loved me so much, it is the least i can do to return them this the greatest thing i can.
then there are times when i feel like retreating from this secular existence of confusion. become a nun or something, where nothing matters but God.
i want to hide away. set apart from the world, i'm locked in my own room forever and ever. nobody now is important to me. i have no more close friends, i have alienated them all. nobody matters to me now. i don't care that with each day, with each unfriendly word and unseeing glance, that friendships are being eroded. i don't care. i just want to be left alone. all the friendships i have are the shallow sort, that is the way it should be.
i am wrapped within myself.
i think it's a lie when people say, no, we as human beings do not judge other human beings by their bodies. it is a lie. especially guys, they all go for 'hot' or 'chio' (chinese dialect for pretty) girls. or chicks, rather.
and it really hurts. because i KNOW how guys will judge me. no matter what you say.
girls are not human beings. they are objects. things. with no value other than the way they look. they have no value. we have no value. i have no value.
and that is why i do not wish to love a guy. i want to love a PERSON. i want to love someone for his personality and not his gender. or hers. it doesn't matter.
only thing is, does God allow it?
i don't know.. i don't think so.