December 24, 2001 Monday - 17:28
i can't believe i am so into the show (サクラ大戦) now.. oh gosh.. it's so touching.. the bits about the 対降魔部隊 (tai kouma butai).
the part where shinguji kazuma was fighting the huge demon thingy and killed himself in the process.. there was one bit where he was drawn in this typical fighting-demon-power stance, and his eyes were in the shadow. but they were drawn in though. and it seemed to me that he was looking down at something (i.e. imagining his daughter) and then he smiled so sadly.. and then...
And the previous episode, where sakura had to face his spirit.. after they fought, when they embraced..
he loved his daughter so much, he could condemn himself to the pain he knew he would cause her because it meant that she would be able to live.. that he would give her a chance to grow up.
he wanted so much for her.. he didn't want her to go through the bad stuff he saw around him, and he knew the only to make certain of that was to give his life up. and he did.
and he was strong, and honourable, and beautiful.
it feels okay, somehow, to hurt for him.. the hurt he could not have allowed himself to feel.
(and i know he doesn't, but for some reason i imagine he has gackt's voice..ehh??)
and it hurts, too, to know that the power growing in sakura, the power that will make her strong, is the same power that killed her father.. and will kill her, too.
i think the moral of the story is that.. well.. it's not really a story. i mean the characters are different.. but the wonderful love it illustrates, it is the way God loves.. the way He loves me. and it's amazing, cos i know i don't deserve it.. yet he still loves me, that much. and it's heartbreaking to realise how little i have loved Him in return, and how - unlike Sakura - i have not honoured my father's death.
God is real, and He loves me. and that's a fact.
as for you. i am so happy for you and her, because it is what i have always wanted.
i thought that was just words. but i don't think so. it *is* what i want for you. it's just that it hurts, to want something like this. i've been praying for the happiness of a girl i do not know, and her gain is my loss...
but to say i don't want you, that is a lie. because i do want you, deep down.. when i stop thinking, and what is complicated becomes simple. when i forget that i'm not good enough for someone like you. when i forget that i cannot make you happy. when i forget that to listen to what my heart is saying is being selfish. when i think only of the us.. then i want you.
i wonder when it is that i will finally be able to let you go.
i miss you...