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does it really matter? June 13 2002 - 20:21 it's father's day today (ok. yesterday) and i didn't do anything nice for my father.. i didn't even see him most of the time.. there was a *small* argument yesterday so i didn't feel like being nice.. but now i feel bad. - some things i see make me think, what right do i have to be so moody? i am so lucky. my life is perfect. there are people who have it so much worse than i do.. but are so much stronger. what right do i have? i'm just a stupid self-important angst-filled piece of egoistic sh*t teenager. i have not faced adversity, i have not had REAL problems. i mean - if i even had the right to say i was anorexic, i would be proud. how dumb is that. all i have to be upset about is anorexia - and depression itself. i'm nothing but an ego. i am empty. - 0303 hrs - monday - june 17 music: jars of clay - + - + - + - i just turned on the winamp thing. and i almost cried at the first thing i heard. it was just a piece of music! everything is so awful.. everything is misery, everything is numbness. i can't feel.. i can't feel.. it's not that i am never happy, never excited.. i am. but somehow the feelings i have don't seem real. they're just..like... shallow. the only thing that ever actually pokes at my heart is.. sadness.. is this what i am? do i live just for sadness? what sort of life do i have? and i hate my body, hate my fat, hate my stomach and my arms and my legs and my butt, everything is fat, everything is ugly. every time i eat something i feel like throwing it up. fat. fat. fat. fat. i can't face it.. each reflection that stares at me is a mockery, a taunt. i just want to be beautiful. i just want to die. argh.. exams..STRESS - 2329 hrs - saturday - june 15 music: andrea bocelli - + - + - + - last night i couldn't sleep. i kept worrying.. worrying.. the third week of the holidays has passed, there is only one week more. i've done some work (the thesis paper) but it's not going to help me do well in the exams. i felt so guilty. what am i doing? why am i spending so much time oekaki-ing? it's not benefitting me at all. i felt so guilty i had to get up and read that fat economics textbook. - and i'm very scared about that issue. i don't know what to do. i pray about it but i don't get the answer i was looking for. if God wants me to serve Him, i will. but i have to know - how do i serve Him? i'm giving up on my ambition and i'm scared.. - 1635hrs - friday - june 14 music: mozart - + - + - + - i don't understand.. why do i feel so sad? i want to understand... - 2258 hrs - thursday - june 13 music: our lady peace - + - + - + - i don't know what i am doing, spending so much time on this.. this is pointless.. i don't need a webpage. i don't have the time for this. ... but i am doing it. - 2051 hrs - thursday - june 13 music: alessandro safina, dir en grey diaryland | archive | newest entry | profile
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