cotton wool in your ears
May 18, 2003 sunday - 20:36
i've been watching rk on axn (for the 300 millionth time) and it is such a sad anime!!!!!! i haven't seen the tsuiokohen and seisouhen videos yet, but i read summaries. and even those are awfully awfully sad. poor bugger, his whole life was one tragedy after another. and it's like.. only when his cross scar (symbolising his tragic life and love and blah blah blah) fades is he at peace.. in more ways than one. the only happiness he ever knows is overshadowed by all the pain. all the common images of him show him having mostly the following expressions:
it seems to have taken all the Big Guns in artistic themes and extracted their saddest bits and stuck those in. like love, death, revenge, age, youth, memory, time, sickness, sacrifice, betrayal, strength, loss, etc etc etc. and it doesn't even try to be polite about it, they're all slapped down, no holds barred, so that you can't help but angst for the poor poor fella. plus it isn't just him. each character, good guy or otherwise, has his own darkness. even kaoru, whom i am beginning to see in less of a relena-ish light and starting to respect. everyone is sad.
as i was swimming just now i was thinking about the whole thing and it felt so awful i came to the conclusion that i wished i didn't feel sad anymore, and that i wasn't so sensitive in this (and other) respects. and i felt bad about that cos i think those attributes are very much a part of what defines me.
but i do wish i no longer felt sadness. (especially not for a FICTICIOUS STORY). right now it just feels horrible horrible horrible. all that nonsense about coming through the sadness to find another sort of happiness, and beauty expressed in tears, and feeling more real, and every other nice-sounding thing about melancholia is just that - nonsense. even if they are true.. so what? it doesn't make me feel better at all. except during those times when i don't really feel that bad. then, yeah, fine. it's easy to appreciate sadness when i don't have to deal with it.
i want out.
even the hopefulness and the optimism of the cowboy bebop song i've been listening to makes me feel sad. i don't know why? maybe because the nature of hope is that it exists in a situation that requires hope. tt is, nobody hopes for Good Times when they are experiencing aforesaid good times. and hope is often unfulfilled.
i want a happy ending.
hope hope hope i lose weight. i've been swimming alot; this week i've done more than a hundred laps. and the partying should help too.
got home at 3am this morning from zouk, and i couldn't find my house keys. !!!! spent a long time sitting outside the door rummaging through my bag (which was tiny) hoping it would come out somewhere but it didn't!!!!! but i got in anyway, thank goodness.
my ears still have that static-y sound, cos the music was so loud. but i had fun last night. (fun, for want of a better word to use. fun is different from happy.) when the music is loud it is easy to lose yourself. and just move. feeling nothing but the music. the drums. the guitars. the meaningless words. the lights. the smoke. no time. no self. no pain. no sadness. no personality. nothing. nothing. just the music that never stops.
so when i say fun, it is disclaimed. because without a self, there are no feelings.
and for once. i felt beautiful.