ablutomania

September 28, 2007 friday - 02:19

now i know
what's been keeping me up all these nights, so that the feeling of waking up without enough sleep and fumbling my way through the day is no longer an inconvenience but a fear.

it is pain.

now i know
what has been giving me the urge to wash my hands and face and body, to scour my skin until i am raw, dry, clean.

it is shame.

pain is what you have given me; shame is what i give myself for feeling the pain.

i have perhaps said the formula one too many times, from now on i will be silent, because now i really am silent; i have to be, i am forced to be. because i don't even have the words to describe this, could i have spoken out.

and every moment i cannot speak out carves itself in blood against my skin.

let me sleep...

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