dreaming of the days

May 31, 2007 thursday - 00:37

why is it that you make me cry so easily when he never did?

why is it that i miss you so much.. but what i miss is something i never had?

i'm sick of pretending to be happy. sick of pretending to smile, to laugh.

but i don't know what i want. i don't know what i need.

the absence of desire is nirvana. but the opposite of desire is need.

i want you next to me. i want you holding me. i want you to make me feel safe. loved.
make me happy.
stop the tears.

but i dare not ask. because i am being selfish. and because i know you will say no. because you are being selfish.
after all, this is a selfish relationship.

although i did ask, a drop in the darkness, that you did not hear. a sigh that was lost in the wind that rushed between us.

if you kept records.
if you checked your records.
if you read what i'd said.
you'd know what i wanted.
but that's not what i want.
the benefit is the warmth.

and you are flying away, your plane roaring into the sky, tearing a hole in the clouds:
while i am left behind, a speck on the retreating tarmac.

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