February 18, 2004 wednesday - 21:54
i've learnt alot and done alot, and i'm glad for the experience. relatively painless, and one more thing to buffer up my portfolio. i've learnt a bit about publicity, a bit about design, a bit about printers. i've gone into the heart of an industrial estate all by myself, i've walked around a flatted factory that seems half 1950s wood and old, half quaint and charming and po-mo cool. places i never would have gone, things i never would have seen, if not for this.
in school, in the day, the smiles come out. put on joy, ON-ness, be flirty and exciting and all those things that make a perfect, if a little excitable, girl. it's an act.
in the night, in the soft music, the masks come down. realise how easy it is to look a fool, when your laughing does not mean what your heart cries. the dreams i have are not the ones that come at night, but the fantasies i play out in the day. this is who i pretend to be, but that is who i really am.
and i am drawn to you, moth to flame. i know not what i see or feel. i know not if i love or hate. and i know nothing, beside of you. i don't know you, and i know i never will. and i just want to run away. as a moth into a flame i seek a heat and a fire that will consume me. but it cannot be yours.