i love this life and i will lose it
July 17, 2003 thursday - 22:33
i am better than you.
i lead a charmed life. i am pretty (or at least, better looking than you). i am slim. i dress well, and expensively(calvin klein - mango - burberry - m)phosis - gg<5 - ralph lauren - esprit - marks&spencer - liz claiborne). i travel lots (skiing is a hobby. not a holiday activity). shopping? i do it overseas. i am rich (scholarship? who needs it.) i am smart (you are not fit to kiss my academic feet).
my dad is better than your dad. he has the perfect job (as everyone agrees). he drives a car that probably costs as much as your house does. and earns about six times that amount every year. he is charming and witty. he is rich. (we live in a big house in an expensive district and rent out another house, twice as big, in a more expensive district).
i have all these things. yes i am blessed. so much more blessed than you and all you know.
yet compared to you, i am destitute. all these things, they mean nothing. where it really matters, i am empty. compared to you, there is no love in my heart, no joy in my soul, no hope in my life, no inspiration, no yearning, no expectation. God will see us and say, you are better.
all i can hold on to are the things of this life. they are only for me to try to convince myself that i am better. thus blinded, i will not see how much you have, and i will not fall, desperate and jealous, into your oblivion. leave me to my delusions, for they are all i have.
is it stupid to commit suicide?
wouldn't it be wonderful to let go? to jump, knowing that nothing awaits but God. no more pain and heartbreak and senseless yearning. what is keeping me to this life? a meaningless future.
if i died tonight, all i could possibly regret would be the pain i would cause those who loved me, and not being able to fulfil the dream God has of my life.
but i think God would understand. how weak, and selfish, i am, and how unbearable the pain is. or even if He did not understand, at least He will forgive.
i cannot see His dream in me. and so, life is not worth living. how long do i wait? why should i suffer, and try so hard, and work so much? what is it all for? meaningless, said the philospher (ecclesiastes) . choosing to end life is forever. nothing can sully such a decision. it is the one thing i can choose that will never get tainted, never get changed, never get mocked.
am i stupid to want death?