there will never be a day when
November 15, 2001 Thursday - 21:34
no regrets, they don't work
that's not true. pain, poignant and bittersweet, is a sharply cutting reminder.. pushing the limits.. spurring the tired on, forcing onwards the exhausted.
regrets work. they cannot change the past, true. but they change the future.
but those who look to the Lord will win new strength, they will soar as on eagles' wings; they will run and not feel weary, walk and not grow faint.
run and not feel weary...
your heart is cold and lost the will to love
i miss him. with the thought of what could have been. how tantalising, these fragments of us together that are only cold dreamy wisps.
but even the closeness we shared is fading. the memory of how it was growing (but never really did grow) into something special. and how i was so proud that it was me you chose, out of all those you could have chosen. you, so radiant and charming and eminently desirable. now, though, i am nothing to you. nothing like that. nothing at all.
you are so beautiful in such a shallow way. like the sleek chiselled youths of ancient greece, silently glistening as they strung softly their lyres, coaxing from them the music of desire and sweetness.
i guess that is why i never really had a chance. for i could only defile your beauty. a fat, thick, darkly ugly woman. pudgy with rolls of fat. vulgar and abominable. so perhaps if i could transform myself into someone more like yourself...
maybe then could i deserve you.
it really hurts, how i imagine you being with her and not me. the way you are with her, like the way you used to be with me.
and it hurts even more that i know you consider her only a friend.. ergo, you considered me only a friend, for so long when i thought you didn't.
i miss you in a thousand ways...
goodbye, my friend.. i don't love you, i don't like you.. but i want you.
think of me, think of me waking, silent and resigned..