January 12, 2003 sunday - 01:23
wow, look at the time. 01:23
you know how i feel like right now? i feel like a little kid who just did a pretty nice picture for his mommy, and whose mommy just tore up the pretty nice picture without looking at it because she's suffering from post-natal depression.
and the kid is heartbroken and goes to a corner to cry. he's really upset cos he was having a hard time at school and drew that picture to kind of cheer himself up and he wanted his mommy to be proud of him. but he realises how selfish he is being, because his mommy is having a hard time too. and he doesn't have the right to keep taking and taking and taking her strength and care because really he's not a little kid anymore and she's not his mommy she's just another little kid who isn't little any more.
and the little kid wants to say sorry to the mommy but he doesn't know how and he doesn't want to screw things up but.. he's sorry.
he loves his mommy so damn much he would do anything for her, but he realises that he just showed her the opposite. he thinks, what a lousy little kid he is, and now she thinks he's just a stinky little kid who only cares about himself and not about her.
and the little kid wants to say sorry to the mommy but she doesn't know how badly he's having it at school. and how he's been crying and crying alone in his room at night without her knowing. and she is the one person he wants to let know of his pain because she's his link to the grown up world, and she's all big and stuff and she's stronger than he is and she knows what to do. though she is suffering too, he's just a little kid and he doesn't know that. he thinks his sufferings are worse than hers. but he's wrong, because the greatest suffering in the world happens to the one who feels it. to him, nobody hurts worse than he does, but to her, noone can understand the depth of her struggle.
and the little kid still loves his mommy, even though she hurt him and made him cry. he loves her very very much and wants her to know he's sorry, and that he loves her. that she's the best mommy he's ever had and he never wants her to be sad. he wants to make her happy.
he wants to grow up quick and learn how to stand on his own, so that when she needs suppost he can give it. he wants to be a man, so that he will not have to keep relying on his mommy. he wants give his mommy everything in the world she wants because he loves her.. and he is sorry.