the dancing girl of izu
April 11, 2002 Thursday - 19:54
exhaustion, like a blanket of snow, cold, heavy and pure.
i am swimming through deep water. it is cold and it is black. my eyes are open but i see nothing. the chill seeps into my skin, into my bones, and into my heart.
i feel so sick. when people say, oh, i'm going to exercise more. then i will lose weight. i want to do that too, but i cannot. i know if i start i will end up eating nothing.
i want to give God my life. but how can i? i can't let go of the feeling that what i am doing is wrong: it's wrong to eat three meals a day. it seems so piggish, so wasteful, so much excess. it's wrong. i shouldn't.
i want to tell Him, i am Yours. isn't it His will that i not starve myself? but if what i am doing is right, then why do i feel so awful? why have i plunged into this bottomless dark ocean?
all i want to do all day is be alone. to sit in a corner and cry to myself. to be apart from the mess and the muddle of everyday life, of school, of friends, of training, of breaks, of food, of everything. i want people to leave me alone. i want to look at them like they are not even there, because they are not.
but i am a student. i have no identity to the people who know me, i am only Student. i am like every other person in my class, in my school, in my life. i am everybody and therefore i am nobody.
can anyone tell me why i am so sad? i want everything to go away. go away. go away. go away.
i need the Lord, but where is He? can He hear me? i know He does. but.. then.. so why do i feel so awful, like some great sadness is wrenching my soul? what am i doing wrong, that i cannot feel Him?