August 19, 2001, Sunday - 04:03
it's late and i should be sleeping. there are a million things i need to do tomorrow that i should have done today.
i want so bad someone to love. to hold and be held by. i feel like i'm crying, like i'm curled up with a pain in my heart so bad it's physical, i feel like my eyes are all dried up and i have that quiet sad feeling in my head that one gets after a good long cry.
maybe i'm just tired.
but i want someone to love. i want someone so, so bad. i don't want to talk, to analyse, to have him understand me. i just want him to hold me as together we fall into emptiness. oblivion.
i want everything to be wonderful. i want to have someone stroke my hair and let me know me how wonderful i am, how beautiful i am. i want someone to cry into. i want to cry. i want someone to cry for me.
i want to feel someone hold me softly, gently, tightly. like my comforter, which is soft and warm and the best place in the world sometimes.
i've never said i loved him. that's because i don't. how could i, when i do not even know him enough. but i want him. i want him so much, it is as if i loved and not liked him.
but i can never have him.
what would he do, if he knew what i am like? i know he would be Nice. but what would he feel, inside? would he be disgusted? would he feel pressurised, because i loaded all my emotional baggage onto him and so he now has the responsibility of helping me? would he be taken aback? at how weak i am to do these things? at the way i am so dirty, so ugly?
i want him.
it hurts! it hurts so bad. doesn't that count? doesn't that matter to you?? can't you hear me screaming my pain at you? doesn't this hurt cross the distance that separates us? can't it fly into the night to you? can you hear me at all?
time for bed, kiddies.