some of you like certain words
October 28, 2003 tuesday - 01:32
i slept really early but i woke up at 1. my body is too used to sleeping for 4 hours max, maybe.
and now i'm sitting in front of my computer typing into nothing. i don't know what to say. i can't think any more. i just feel.. lost. unsure.
i feel dread. and disappointment, like not living up to expectations.
i am calling down the wind, it is cold and empty, it brings nothing; no kind words, no reassurring smiles, no encouragement.. it is fiercely blowing in my face. what am i writing? who am i writing to? i am there for you.. i give but who do i receive from? i dare not ask; i will not get.
it's late. there is a difference between hopelessness and despair and i am getting there. despair. such a nice word. but words mean nothing.
words mean nothing.
dive into them, analyse them, compare them against each other, swim in them, let them saturate your brain, eat them, spit them, they are words and they mean nothing, nothing, nothing to make a living by, nothing to live by.
that's right. i am quitely despairing. i run no longer.