i am beautiful no matter what i say
January 03, 2003 Friday - 13:52
i found a white hair yesterday!! :( my first!! :(((
i really feel old. not old as in arthritic, mottled-skin, walking-cane old, but.. adult old. i've grown up without knowing it and now my child self is dead.
school, is over. for all that i've never really felt like a rafflesian, i still feel like i should be in that white-and-green, bumming in the concourse depression with my class. i feel like i'm missing out by not being there, in school, right now. i should be having double lit on friday afternoons.
but i don't belong there anymore. and even if i put on the same uniform and took the same buses 77 or 970 and walked in the same back gate, into the same classrooms and the same library, it wouldn't be the same. i can be there, physically, but i can never really go back. my time has passed.
things have changed. rj is now part of that stupid through-train thing. the syllabus is different. the j1s have all done social studies (which was only implemented after i left secondary school), and the j2s... are a batch younger than me. i am not a j2 any more. and i can never go back.
i don't want to grow up like this. i still want to be a part of the idiotic education system that people talk about. because as much as i hated it, it was something i belonged to. and right now, i don't belong. anywhere. i have no purpose. no reason. no goal.
i want to be able to go back. it's like that gp topic: "should there be a back button (like the ones in internet browsers) in life?" it was a stupid topic. and i've alwys thought the answer was no. but i've changed my mind. i want a back button. i want to be young again, i want to not have these adult responsibilities, i want to be a schoolgirl again.
(university is not the same)
i want to be able to go back, but i wouldn't change anything. i am proud of who i am.
i am proud that i exist. that i have accomplished what i have. that i have danced, that i have sung, that i have run, and won. i am proud that i have friends who love me and friends i love. i am proud that i have a perfect sat score. i am proud that i did geog s. i am proud that i went to raffles. i am proud that i got a l1r5 of 7, and that i have finished my a levels. i am proud that i am tall, and not-too-fat. i am proud that i am not-bad-looking.
i am proud that i have hurt and that i continue to do so. that i have tasted the darkness that lies beneath my surface and that i have enjoyed it. i am proud that i know how to be strong when i have to be, and that i know at the same time i am weak. i am proud to be a child of God. i am proud to say that He loves me, even if i don't deserve it.
i am proud that i love and desire to love. that i want to give someone my life in an unconditional sacrifice.
i am proud to be who i am, even if i don't really know who that is.
but i still don't want to grow up.
and i still can't believe i got 1600 for the sats. much better people than i am got lower scores. i can't believe it; i am still in denial.
i keep going back to the collegeboard.com page to stare at that beautiful page which goes :
oh my gosh! i html-ed that!! haha :)