and i don't want to go home right now

August 20, 2001, Monday - 01:26

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
And you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

- goo goo dolls, 'iris'

that is the saddest song in the world for me, i think. not because of its inherent angst, but because it was the song i played over and over and over and over again on winamp when i was reading ultra-depressing anime fanfics on the net and my thoughts were their darkest. this song, and 'pomp and circumstance'.

now whenever i play it i get an awful wrenching feeling in my heart. conditioned reflex, sort of.

it's a sadness that is both melancholy and moving. it cuts deep. but it is oh so shallow.

=====

i don't know why, but all of a sudden today i thought about an anime i used to be absolutely crazy about. one of its characters especially.

i didn't particularly like him while i was into the anime, but now i do. he isn't a typically angst-ridden villian with a broken past, nor is he one of the usual (again) angst-ridden 'good guys' struggling with some painful secret. he is a bishounen (pretty-boy character) though. (no, not pretty boy. more pretty-girl-who-is-actually-a-boy.)

he isn't a baddie per se, although he works for the main antagonist, the lines between good and bad aren't clear. when he's not fighting, he looks the happiest guy ever. he's always smiling. always happy. kind of, uh, dorky; he trips over everything and acts dense sometimes. when he's fighting, of course, he's dead serious. lethal. a cold-blooded killing machine. and he's drawn really well. he's proud, powerful, strong, arrogant.

what i like about him though wasn't that. i'm not quite sure what it was. i think it was his total, complete devotion to his leader, his sense of duty, of acceptance of deference. it wasn't mindless or anything, he wouldn't follow orders blindly. but even if he knew they were wrong, even if they weren't to his liking, he would still obey.

i think that's what i liked about him. how he gave up that part of himself for his master. (so far i've noticed a motif to my thoughts... sacrifice. beauty. heh)

and that was beautiful.

=====

i guess it's hard to understand me. but if you're into anime you might. if you read yaoi / slash you might. (and by that i don't mean the PWP kind.. i'm just saying that because i've found that yaoi fics are generally better written than het fics.) or if you can remember reading something that left you with an immensely sad feeling that was at the same time overwhelmingly beautiful.

maybe that's what i want most in life. (so far, anyhow.) maybe that's what i want my life to be. immensely sad and at the same time breathtakingly, overwhelmingly beautiful.

i dunno.


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