November 12, 2001 Monday - 02:30
it's night. it's really bright in my study, the lights are all on, even the ones outside (though that's quite irrelevant..) and i'm staring right into the computer (duh) and i realised the screen is so bright it's making me squint.
but i can still feel the darkness. i feel like i'm sitting in the only spot of brightness in a landscape of black.. it sounds morbid, perhaps, but it isn't - the blackness is sort of warm, velvety, non-malicious.
it's so lovely. this loneliness, solitude. tomorrow (later?) i'll have to wake up, change, go out, train. sigh. i'm not looking forward to it - though i know i should exercise more. i haven't been doing enough. what if the weight comes back? eek.
i tried to eat more, because -------. but i don't want to anymore. i can't; it'll make me fat. and the reason i was eating in the first place - it isn't good enough.
and i feel really really bad about it. i know i can lose weight if i want to, i just need to put my mind to it. i know i can.
and YOU, just mind your own business. don't you dare tell me what to do when you don't really care. stop making ME live according to YOUR principles.
and i need you now somehow
i'm thinking of... you, again. who are you?
it's me, really.
i love him - but he is not a real person. he is every guy i like. the heartache i feel is the same, no matter who he happens to be currently.
kokoro ni ai wa iranai
nothing lasts, anyway. i'm only 17. nothing i do now, think now, feel now - nothing will stand the desolation of time. so i just need to tell myself, what i want and feel in the now cannot affect the later, so i shouldn't worry about it.
one day i'll fly away
i just need to endure.. time will pass.. and things will be forgotten...
i want to go pubbing.
it was fun once. when i could just dance and dance and dance and sweat and start forgetting. when i started to feel like i was losing my personality, or something.
but i don't manage to feel like that anymore.
i could drink, but the morning after, well,..... besides, i don't forget when i get drunk, even when i'm throwing up more stuff than i seem to have eaten in days.
but i want to dance, and throw my mind away the way i used to be able to.
and i miss him. and i remember when it seemed like he was within touching distance...
but who cares? not i. nothing matters.