what hurts the most
January 13, 2008 sunday - 22:24
i am not surprised at the sharp seizure of grief that slides down when i see you. this pain i don't understand. i don't know where it comes from and i don't know what it is. i don't recognise its nature and so i don't know how to deal with it. i don't know how to conquer it and throw it away. all i can do is live with it.
what hurts the most is this.
now when i look back at my history, it all becomes clear. all these broken things, friendships and hearts and lives - in the end it all comes back to me.
the selfishness, bitterness and recklessness in my heart flowed past my fingers and into the people around me, and it is no wonder that my touch brought death.
all i wanted was to be loved. to be cherished. to mean something to someone. but in wanting this too much, in a way that was too wrong, i destroyed all i had.
when you let yourself slide, you tell yourself that it is just for a while, and that after a time you will bring yourself back to this place of peace you are so desperate to leave. but you don't realise that you cannot come back on you own; it is not a decision you can make. it is a decision you have to be forced into.
the pain will pass, as it always will, but this time i will be the change. this is the rock bottom from which there is a way up.