October 09, 2001 Tuesday - 18:08
this is so nuts.
a few days more.
so much to study so little time. why don't i have enough time?
i'm going crazy. stressed to the point of exhaustion. existing in a limbo world, suspended between night and day, and nothing matters except tomorrow. tomorrow's paper, whether i can finsh studying, whether i can stay awake for it.
reading so much, trying to memorise everything, the words begin to blur and nothing makes sense. panic because it *must* make sense, because it *must* be remembered.
forget everything but the book before you. forget everthing you wrote in the essay 1 hour ago, forget everything else that is not *tomorrow*. forget life, friends, pain - there is no place to stop and cry. panic panic rush to finish. can you? the spectre looms large... cannot affort to not do well. you want to buckle under the strain, you want to cry and scream and maybe do something a little more drastic.. but you don't... don't dare. you can't. because this, this has taken your life over and you are someone else and you don't belong to yourself anymore. you're not allowed to.
tear your heart out. there is only brain. inject it with information until it hurts, regurgitate that information, then cram more in. and yet that is not enough.. not enough.. not enough.. don't sleep yet... one more chapter... don't sleep yet... one more tutorial... don't sleep yet... you need this more than sleep... don't sleep, you can't sleep.. you need to study...