invitation to treat
August 19, 2004 thursday - 08:24
two weeks into the semester.
in the day i feel trapped, i want to rest, i want for once not to have a 9am lecture, i want to be silent and not have to pretend to be friends and impress people, i want to put on blinkers and not see how other people are studying so hard.
at night i cannot sleep and i feel a weight, almost physical, resting upon me. heaviness so tangible it can almost be weighed. as i lie in bed quitting seems so attractive. quit being the enthu social butterfly. quit studying so hard and just not care. quit school. quit life. but i know that even as i struggle to find rest in a sleep that is not restful, i will tomorrow get up and put on my pretty clothes and pretty face and pretty personality and i will smile and be judged.
it's the things we can never have that we want. because wanting is so pointless it is so painful. because it is so painful it is so valuable.
my heart is crying, and i wonder if anyone really cares.. then again, why should they?