i'm too fat.
December 18, 2001 Tuesday - 13:54
you are my closest friend. i care about you; i know you care about me. i am the only person you've met who understands some parts of yourself.
"there're oceans in between us"
you know a bit of me. you know some of my hurt, of my pain, of what i am. of the things that make me up. you've learnt what is the most important thing in my life.
i know, too, that you are concerned.
i guess you're just not concerned enough.
i don't want you to go to a counselor or anything. i don't want to be changed. don't try to change me.
i just wish you would do something to show me you actually care. to let me know there's someone who actually means what she says when she says i care. i just want a real friend, and i want it to be you.
you were shocked when you found out that i am so obsessed with this. shocked enough to write me a letter. to discuss it with friends we have.
but that's about it.
it stops at that.
and now, just a month after, i don't see you doing anything. you don't talk about it anymore, with me or anyone else. you never showed me in person the concern i thought you intended in your letter. and you never bothered to find out more, though the library or the internet or anything is replete with information about these things.
i guess i don't expect you to. i guess it would be too much for me to want you to do something like that for me. selfish. and that's not what i want to be. so in a way i suppose i am glad you didn't bother. because that would mean i was being intrusive; burdening you with my nonsense.
that's why i don't expect you to; that's why i didn't reply your letter.
"take it all away..."
i just wish someone cared.