April 28, 2002 Sunday - 20:26
it has been a nothing day. woke up and went to church, went for lunch, came home and slept, had tuition and then dinner. i ate too much but it's okay.
it had been a nothing day. when everything does not go right but does not go wrong. the next couple of days will be hell. but today was okay. and that's fine. there's an essay due tomorrow but i'm not planning to hand it in on time.
i feel like two separate people sometimes. one who doesn't care what she eats, and one who chases hunger.
when i'm that first person, i have to eat. i think i'm maybe even afraid of hunger. but when i'm the second, i'm totally different. i'm in control and i'm strong. i feel that vacuum-my feeling in my stomach and it hurts and i want it.
i feel like nobody appreciates what i do. i feel like i give and give and give and i deserve as much as, if not more, than so many other people, but i don't get the recognition i've earned.
maybe, i think too much of myself. maybe because what i do is unseen - behind the scenes - people don't think of me, don't remember me as much as they do others. maybe because i look like i don't expect it, and people forget about me.
or maybe i really don't deserve it.