the lines, joining and ranging
December 11, 2002 Wednesday - 03:15
the middle of december is coming. the middle of december is coming. the middle of december is coming. aah! i really want a nice fat acceptance letter.. but, dream on. 7 out of every 100 international students get into stanford.. what makes me think i am good enough to be one of them?
i.. i feel really bad. and i don't know why.
i just want to die.
sometimes i wish i wasn't a Christian. i wish i believed that life was just a chemical reaction, and that there is no soul. and death would be the end of life, and that would be all. death would be a nothingness and a negation of being. how wonderful. i would kill myself straight off.
i feel like i am speaking blasphemy. but being a christian is a burden. not in the good way, like how if people ridicule me for my beliefs and torture me or something, that is good. or how the responsibility to God and not the world means i have to be more ethical, more honest, etc etc, and this is a burden that makes me grow spiritually. i don't mean that. i feel like.. being a christian is a burden that is preventing me from leading the life i want to live.
but i'm not supposed to want to live any other sort of life! i'm sorry God. i just suck.
i know God has made me the way i am. i know that He loves me, no matter what.
but i still think i suck, i still know i am too fat, and i still want to kill myself.
it just hurts so much... everything hurts. and i want to cry. but what good would that do?
maybe the next time i write in here i will be different. i sure hope so. (i'm going for a church camp) i want to rediscover (discover) my faith. i want to learn to live as a child of God. i want to learn to accept the purpose He has for my life, whatever it may be.
but maybe i'll just come back tired and dirty and even more depressed. what do you think?