a suitable end
August 08, 2004 saturday - 15:16
yesterday i sat at the beach, playing so many games of bridge.. of taitee.. of games which have no names and need no cards and which i know i have lost before i even started playing..
as the afternoon started to flush golden, then pink and blue, then black, people started going off.. there was a palpable sense of termination. no more orientation activities, no more knowing it's ok that they aren't here cos they will have to be here tomorrow.
and during dinner i sat at the table, silent and pissed off and sick, and i wanted someone to talk to. and there was nobody, not there, not anywhere, that i could say a thing not. not that people would refuse to listen.. just that the words wouldn't come out.
and of course there is disappointment. meeting and knowing nice people is fun but it is a bittersweet sort of fun when these people are already spoken for.
and before i even realised it it is almost the middle of august.. it still feels like the middle of july. middle of june. middle of may. in my mind time is rolling backwards and i am back where i started one year ago, scared and sick of beginning school, terrified of classes, not wanting to study, disoriented. the feeling is so familiar and i am hoping it will go away quick. looking at the notes in my mailbox today it felt like nothing had changed in the last four months.
but so many things have changed. if nothing, i have changed.