reaching the end

September 14 , 2003 sunday - 21:35


bible study was in a daze. the discussion was flowing over me, i didn't get it. no head or tail, going round and round in circles. poking at the issues but not getting into them. maybe i was just tired.

i tired. i tired of my friends. i tired of my work. i tired of the stupid textbook that is so hard to read. i tired of the blue highlighter that smudges. i tired of my middling spiritual walk. i tired of the relationships that mean nothing. i tired of guys. i tired of being friendly. i tired of wanting to be liked. i tired of being in the world but not of it. i tired of aching in the cold. i tired of the heat. i tired of the same routines over and over again. i tired of the computer that keeps conking out. i tired of the politics and the undercurrents. i tired of wondering but never knowing. i tired of trying. i tired of hoping. i tired of waiting. i tired of me.


two days more.


loneliness is always personified, spoken of, eulogised, loved, as if loneliness were a person. but loneliness is not the cold fingers, the empty eyes, the unspeaking heart of that person in all the poetry. how could it be loneliness if it was a person? when loneliness is in itself the lack of adequate human companionship?

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