claypot rice

July 12, 2007 thursday - 02:59

there are so many things i could have done tonight.

i could have stayed up and read through the night.
i could have made calls, one after another, to unanswered phones.
i could have gone clubbing, and stumbled home at 5am, reeking of alcohol and smoke.
i could have gone for a drive, and likely crashed into a tree, as stoned as i am on pills and water.
i could have lain, awake and lonely and cold, on my bed, until the birds started to sing to the sunrise.
i could have slept through the dark hours, dreaming of change, or desire, or missed chances, grinding my teeth and waking up with an ache in my jaw.
i could have gotten drunk on misery, and wept silent hot angry tears that i have nobody to blame for but myself.
and you.

i'm sorry for not going to class.
i'm sorry for not wanting to do anything.
i'm sorry.
but i am falling apart and i don't know how to put myself back together. this feeling is unbearable and won't you, please, do something to stop it feeling so painful?

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