see how they run
January 25, 2002 Friday - 21:16
i'm not hungry, not really, nothing i can't take. but i'm so, so, so exhausted. during training just now, i almost couldn't.. couldn't go on. but i managed to complete the workout. somehow. without collapsing.
i feel like i'm running on a treadmill. i'm going so fast, and i'm getting so tired. i'm going faster. faster. my feet are flying.
but i am going nowhere.
and this is my life, it's going nowhere.
i feel like i've been like this, forever. like there never was a time when i didn't worry about food. when i didn't *know* i was too fat. but that can't be true.. i know it isn't true. it just seems like i'm stuck in a wasteland of forever. a forever that stretches out behind me. a forever that stretches out before me.
i just want to run.. to run.. to keep going.. and not feel tired.. i want to run until i disappear.
i was reading a book, and the protagonist mentioned being offered a cake, or some food. and i thought, "that's terrible, he took it, how could he have done that???" and then i remembered, no, not everyone starves.
i want to be free.
i want to eat.
i want to love.
i want to be full and not be sick.
i want to eat!!
i want to get through the day.
i want to be lively, gregarious, friendly, like i used to be.
i want to be happy.
i want to eat.
i want to fly.
i want to float.
i want to be pure.
i want to have control.
i want to be perfect.
i want to be beautiful.