see how they run

January 25, 2002 Friday - 21:16

i'm not hungry, not really, nothing i can't take. but i'm so, so, so exhausted. during training just now, i almost couldn't.. couldn't go on. but i managed to complete the workout. somehow. without collapsing.

i feel like i'm running on a treadmill. i'm going so fast, and i'm getting so tired. i'm going faster. faster. my feet are flying.

but i am going nowhere.

and this is my life, it's going nowhere.

i feel like i've been like this, forever. like there never was a time when i didn't worry about food. when i didn't *know* i was too fat. but that can't be true.. i know it isn't true. it just seems like i'm stuck in a wasteland of forever. a forever that stretches out behind me. a forever that stretches out before me.

i just want to run.. to run.. to keep going.. and not feel tired.. i want to run until i disappear.

i was reading a book, and the protagonist mentioned being offered a cake, or some food. and i thought, "that's terrible, he took it, how could he have done that???" and then i remembered, no, not everyone starves.

i want to be free.

i want to eat.

i want to love.

i want to be full and not be sick.

i want to eat!!

i want to get through the day.

i want to be lively, gregarious, friendly, like i used to be.

i want to be happy.

i want to eat.


i want to fly.

i want to float.

i want to be pure.

i want to have control.

i want to be perfect.

i want to be beautiful.

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