it can mean nothing more than this

May 06, 2003 tuesday - 21:53

hard to find words to describe loss and emptiness when nothing has happened that should merit such feelings. hard to find ways to paint heartbreak when there is no heart to break. what is desire, when the object of desire is not desired?

excitement is supposed to be the handphone vibrating when a message is received. who is it? what does he say? but the handphone announces itself halfheartedly.

it is inconsequential, everything is inconsequential. love is pain, pain is inconsequential. do you even understand what i say? do i understand what i say?

i say, like the writer of ecclesiastes, it is useless. it is all useless. "what have i gained..?... not a thing" (1:15) "the more you know, the more it hurts." (2:18) "i might as well be chasing the wind" (1:17) "i decided to enjoy myself and find out what happiness is. but i found that this is useless, too." (2:1) "someone who is always thinking about happiness is a fool. a wise person thinks about death." (7:4) "so life came to mean nothing to me, because everything in it has brought me nothing but trouble. it had all been useless; i had been chasing the wind." (2:17)

useless, useless, said the philosopher. it is all useless. (12:8)

hard to let go of beauty when you only know ugliness. beauty is what lets you hope.

hard to let go of dreams when they are all you have.

hard to regret when all you have is meaningless and all you are is nothingness. when there is nothing to regret.

hard to hope when there is nothing to hpoe for. but it is also hard to cry when there is nothing to cry for.

it is hard, to live, to be a blessing to others, to "be kind to people and animals" (jude the obscure), to be a child of God. hard to understand yourself. hard to understand life. hard to understand death. hard to know anything, hard to be sure of it all.

the time now is 22:22.

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