if i could tell the world just one thing
February 08, 2002 Friday - 22:50
i know that the life i am leading is not what God has meant for me. i want to be slim, and healthy - who does not? but to change from being fat and ugly into that requires discipline. and there is a fine line between discipline (eat more vegetables, eat less fat, do more exercise etc) and obsession (eat ONLY vegetables, eat NO fat, do marathon exercise etc).
so where does obsession begin? i want obsession, i want control, i want perfection. but that's wrong. it's wrong. because i'm not supposed to be in control of my life - God is.
i know God does not want me to be weak with hunger, dizzy with anaemia, in pain from the laxatives. but is it better in His eyes to be depressed and have low self esteem and to hate myself, because i am fat and unworthy? what does He want? is there a middle ground? so far as i have tried to keep to it, it does not seem to exist - either i end up totally disregarding what i eat, or i start restricting. bingeing. restricting. bingeing.
i know i am lucky. but my life sucks. 'name your blessings, count them one by one'... but i am not grateful. is it a blessing to be smart but crippled by stress? to be popular but deferring to peer pressure? to have friends but despise them? to have a close family but not be able to confide in them? is it a blessing to be pretty but feel ugly? to be always surrounded by people who (say they) care about you but feel so alone? to be a successful athlete but dread the body (muscles) that entails? to love everyone but hate yourself? is it a blessing to have all of these yet be torn apart by depression and EDs? my life sucks. and it seems that it would become so much better if i could just be good and not eat.
and yet, i know that God can take this all away. all the pain, all the hurt, all the mistakes, all the bitterness. i am human. i am imperfect. eating (or the lack of it) will not make my life beautiful - God will.
like her. she is not thin. she is overweight. but i think she is beautiful. i love her. because she has the love of God in her, and has touched me with it. she loves as a sister, unconditionally, uncompromisingly, unselfishly. she is a woman. she is beautiful.
but i am not like her, i am not beautiful like she is; inside. within, i am cruel, broken, cold, dirty. so i turn to my flesh to make myself beautiful.
or so i rationalise. am i kidding myself? do i really believe that? i've been looking to a psychological disorder to explain away obsession; only God is greater than that. but is it really? or is it just weakness?
i don't know what i am doing with myself. i don't know what God has in store for me. all i know is that i *must* give my life to Him, because only He can make my beautiful.
it seems so simple. but it isn't. because i cannot do it.. i can't relinquish control of myself to Him.
all i can hope is that He will give me that strength when i need it.
God bless Ong Teng Cheong.