run your fingers through my hair
April 12, 2002 Friday - 23:36
and suddenly i miss him again. when will this end?
why do i fall for only the unattainable people? i feel like i have sacrificed so much for him. people tell me what i have done is selfless.
but i don't think so. i want guys like him because they are beautiful. his beauty was in his soul, the beauty of another was in his joy, and of another in his feminine grace. so different they are but really they are the same.
and i want a beautiful relationship as much as i want a beautiful lover. it must be perfect, pure. so maybe everything i've sacrificed for him came from this need for perfection. a most perfect love, a most perfect sacrifice. i didn't do it because i loved him or because i'm so wonderful a person. i'm not.
i wasn't being selfless. i was being selfish. for the strength and the beauty i would feel. it just so happens that what would bring it about was what is considered selfless.
if i felt that beauty was violence, abuse, cruelty, then i would have been cruel to him. i would have made him mine to tear apart. and i would have felt the same way, because what i wanted was beauty. not selflessness, not cruelty. those do not matter, only beauty does. those are only the things that make up beauty.
and all that i wanted was for a beautiful man, and a beautiful love. so that i would be beautiful too.