dig out your heart and offer it to me
May 05, 2003 monday - 22:41
how easy it is, to be swept up in things and lose yourself. life is a dusty whirlwind and it takes you along, you are spinning and you are so stunned you do not even feel it.
you move through the waves, the crowds of people that never stop coming. searching for meaning in each shoulder that brushes yours. you want to give them all everything you have so that you will have something.
you run past your life, snatching vignettes where you can. each memory stretches out forever then shrinks and dries up, preserved for all time. and they keep coming, in a rush, steadily flowing by you and sweeping you away.
what else can you do but run. away from the past. towards your future. escaping your self. tasting what of the scenery you can. on your lips sometimes is dust, sometimes water, sometimes blood. and everything you experience is so unreal, so ephermeral, perhaps nothing has really happened at all. and it is hard to believe in yourself when you feel so alienated from even the air that skims past your skin.
you want to feel everything. you put yourself through the paces, running the gaunlet that each time becomes more painful and more vicious and that each time leaves your more bruised and more bloodied. and you never stop trying. you do it to please everyone else, you try not to think, you just do what you believe they want you to. because in pleasing others you will please yourself. or so you think.
and out in space there is a house. you can pack your bags and leave any time. but you can never come back.