April 01, 2003 tuesday - 21:40

life now is fine. i work, i meet a guy. i dress smartly, i go out with friends. i earn money. i spend it. i watch plays, go to movies, have nice dinners.

yet it feels like i am living on borrowed time. borrowed feelings. i am treading through the days lightly, ignoring the pain underfoot.

and in the dark, when the text messages stop coming, the phone is off, the radio is silent, the internet disconnected, the emptiness crawls back. the insecurities, the deep lust, the memory of hunger, of a chase after beauty, the fear, and loneliness. and these colours, red and burgundy and ivory, mix in the endless blackness over my pointed hole of a heart.

and nobody can fill me up.

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