December 20, 2001 Thursday - 15:56
i think life should be beautiful. i think it should be like a movie or a book, where the main character (that would be me, cos it's my life yes?) is darkly poetic and bohemian and has searing eyes and a quirky fashion sense and elbow joints that jut out of stick arms. every other sentence that came out of my mouth would be loaded and meaningful and delivered just at the right time. and there would be sad, sad music in the background all the time.
if i were feeling melancholy, i would curl up in a corner on the kitchen / bathroom / bedroom floor (like that girl in the linkin park 'crawling' vid) and think deep thoughts about deep things, which doesn't include pondering how clean the floor is. my skinny legs would stick out awkwardly and my searing eyes would stare soulfully into space.
and there would be a voice, detailing my life and what i was doing. that would make things so easy. it would go, 'she starved herself for ? months and lost ? pounds', and poof! i would be ? months older and have lost ? pounds. just like that. instantly. nothing hurts, in the movies.
and my life would actually mean something. and i would actually have a purpose that isn't getting 4 As for my 'A' Levels.
that's why i get so moved when i watch movies. because i'm jealous.. i want my life to be that beautiful, too. and simple, where everything can be explained away and is nicely wrapped up in 2 hours.
sometimes the instrumental stuff i listen to on mp3 is so so nice it just moves me. it makes me dance. not the shake-your-butt kind of dancing, i mean. beautiful, expressive dancing. like ballet.
i want my life to be like that. sad and beautiful. and thin.
i was talking to someone on icq just now and she asked me why i stopped going for (ballet) lessons. the real reason is cos i'm not allowed to wear a watch.. and i don't want everyone the see what's on my wrist.
i also thought about how i would feel like i had to keep sucking in my tummy. i don't remember consciously doing that before.. wow.. i can't believe i didn't even think about how everyone could see my fat ass and stomach? or is it just that i used to be okay and i've grown fatter?
oh shit, please, no.
i know how conventional 'wisdom' has it that ballet lessons make people anorexic. that's just not true for me. for one, my teacher keeps threatening to throw out anyone who gets too skinny. anyway. it's more recreational than performance stuff that we do so there's no pressure there.
i want to be miserable. not the kind of miserable i get when i quarrel and i'm PO'ed, but miserable in a sort of romantic way. i want there to be something that moves me, that pleads with my heart, and makes me cry. i want to feel something deep and stirring, i want to feel.
i wish i were a guy, and gay, and beautiful.
i wish the city was cold, metal, lifeless, lonely. and there was nobody i knew, so i could walk its streets feeling the solitude without needing to worry about someone i knew seeing me and being malicious and thinking i had no friends.
singapore is not romantic that way. singapore is ugly. the people i mean. i detest the teenagers here. i'm a snob. the president (or some other big shot fella) spoke about the heartlander and the cosmopolitan. to put it succintly, the poor and the rich.
i detest heartlanders. i'm a snob. but i do not look down on them for being poorer than i am. what i can't stand is the sort of people they are brought up to be: fools. everyone speaks singlish; for them, however, it is not because of convenience that they do, but because they have no other choice. they are boors; witless, useless fools.
like ah bengs in gangs who fight over useless things. like ah lians in tiny clothes with scarves (the bandanna thingies) over their brown hair. aNd pEoPLe wHo WriTe LiKe ThIs, ~hEeHeE~ So fUnNy RiTe?
yes, i know i'm a pretentious snob. but it's true, i really cannot stand these people.
i'm so glad my friends are not like this. they're perceptive, intelligent, selfless. and i'm glad i don't hate singapore. it's a nice place.
how ironic. of all the diseases i could have been (rabies? ebola? gonorrhoea?) i am a deficiency disease.
i think it's funny.