i have a headache

july 20 2002 - 23:29


bad mood.

think it's the xenadrine. but still.

i don't wanna go out or study or anything.


- 2251 hrs - friday - september 27

music: dbs advertisement

- + - + - + -


studying for this s paper, i realised i *do* enjoy learning all that stuff. it's fascinating.

it's the exams that turn me off.

- 1956 hrs - sunday - september 22

music: aha

- + - + - + -

now i don't keep a record, but if i had to rank 'em, today would be up there in the top ten list of 'worst ever days of wildflower's crap-ass life'.

i'm just so frustrated. i came home and slept after the paper and woke up about 2 hours later.. went downstairs and stomped around a bit then went back to my room and felt so sorry for myself i just cried and cried and cried. (no it's not cos of the paper)

i'm so useless.. bah.

i've never felt so lonely before.

- 2103 hrs - monday - september 16

music: none

- + - + - + -

- 0223 hrs - saturday - september 7

music: dunno.. radio

- + - + - + -


don't wanna study any more

not gonna get a PSC scholarship.


i got that letter that sez theyre not gonna sponspr me for satii. now look i cant even tyoe properly i suck so much.

i was expecting it kinda cos i didn't even hit 1500.. but somehow it seems so final. i wanna retake. but what's the point?

see, they say if i get a scholarship in the end they'll reimburse for sat ii.. but if im not good enough to get even the sat ii sponsorship.. why would they give me a real scholarship then?

what's the point of dreaming if it gets you nowhere?

maybe in the end i'll just go to crappy old NUS and do biz ad. bah bah bah.

i can't study any more. i just can't. my brain is going to explode soon. i cant do differential equations. i cant do complex numbers. i can't do nothing. i suck so much. i might as well not go for the exams. where will it get me? absolutely nowhere. i don't know what i want to do with my life. i don't want to do anything. i don't want to have ambition. i just wanna stay home all day and rot. for the next 70 years. why should i work so hard.. for nothing?

i'm good.. but not good enough.

i'm nowhere.

don't give me a hope only to destroy it.

this dream i have of a bright, beautiful, happy campus, of intelligent people, of fascinating knowledge.. is reduced now to a quavering black hole that holds nothing but useless old me.

what's the point???

how am i gonna do my prelims?

curl up and die.

[the curtain falls]

- 1553 hrs - friday - september 6

music: forrest gump ost

- + - + - + -

my parents decided that they will support me wherever i go. whatever i do. even a useless course like the one i'm considering. they'll pay.

if i go to a private uni in the usa, assuming i get a masters (which i do need, for this particular course) it will cost them something like 450K in local currency. (assuming constant exchange rate of US$1 = S$1.8) and my sister is a year younger than me. for the two of us that will be 900K. !!! that's like.. almost a million bucks (plus airfare, clothes, stuff etc..) over the next seven freaking years.

somehow i feel so *&#(#$ing guilty. i feel like i forced them to make this decision. i feel so bad. i know it is a FREAKING HELL LOT OF MONEY. i feel pressurised to do a course that will let me make money.. i feel so guilty that i'm making my parents pay for a university i decided on for the most trivial reasons. i feel so stressed now.. really really motivated to study.

in a way maybe this is God telling me that in choosing this path i have decided correctly. because suddenly there is so much support. so many things...

and yet.. why then do i feel so bad about it? i'm so afraid now. that maybe halfway through i will feel like giving up. that i don't do well. that i cannot repay this debt of gratitude. that i won't even be happy there.

somehow having parents who are so willing to pay for me is worse than having parents who won't.

i'm so scared. i am really really really scared. REALLY REALLY REALLY SCARED.

i am not going to let them down. i swear, in the name of God, that i will not let them down. i cannot be selfish any longer. *crosses her fingers for a scholarship that will pay for her uni*

and my prelims have started.

- 2155 hrs - thursday - august 29

music: flickerstick

- + - + - + -

in maybe a year from now - assuming this site still exists - i will be writing one of those "i went back to xjc today, sat in the canteen and remembered this and this, met up with this and this teacher,.. only such a short while ago i was wondering what jc to go to and now i'm out of it.. i only remember the nice stuff blah blah.."

note to future self: remember the cold days. the dizzy days. the tired days. the miserable days. the empty classes. the empty stairs. the empty LTs and corridors and canteen and lives. the toilet-paper-less loos. the falling-over tables. the things that seem funny only after you graduate. remember how you loathe the school now.

but you, dear future self.. will remember all that and love it.

damn you, future self.

time is running out. but i am not studying. GUILT! GUILT! GUILT! i'm going to NUS tomorrow for some open day thing with my friend, who should feel more guilty than me cos she's right smack in the middle of *her* prelims..!? i don't get some people. and then after that to the british council to pick up the oxford app form.. i think i need to declare my major right away? like.. now? heck.. it's not like i even want to go there.. i don't know why i bother. why is the whole damn college doing uni apps now. GUILT! GUILT! GUILT!

dammit. i hope i am not making the wrong decision. future self, can you tell me.. did i choose correctly? or will i end up in my second choice school (again) but like it more? (i'm not going to say i'm happier here.. or that it was a better choice... but i think it was the better school.)

- 0215 hrs - saturday - august 24

music: sakamoto ryuichi

- + - + - + -

i can't stand the way you act as if everyone thinks you're so damn funny.. as if what you're saying is so damn important. i can't stant the way you saunter around.. the way you talk.. the way you act as if you're doing us all a favour by existing. i hear what people say about you, all the less-than-perfect things. things i would never have believed if i didn't let myself.

i don't know what to think about you any more. i always thought you cared. you act like you do. BUT YOU DON'T CARE REALLY, DO YOU? i don't know why i have to sound so violent about it. but i feel like all you're doing is play-acting.

and yet i also believe that that lack of concern i feel from you is a result of all the things i have heard about you. maybe the things that other people say have poisoned my impression of you, and i wrongly interpret the things that you do. because sometimes i feel like there is love within you.

but you really piss me off you know. you in your wonderful happy perfect universe. poor tiny little man. and maybe you piss me off cos i love you, just a little.

time will pass and soon i will forget you and you will disappear from my world.

and i have decided where i want to go. i pray i have not decided wrong.. this will be the biggest mistake i could ever make. maybe i am being selfish. do i really need this expensive college? i don't want to make my parents pay so much for something i am not sure about.

i really really hope i am not making the wrong decision.

- 0036 hrs - friday - august 24

music: garbage

- + - + - + -

prefix | suffix

diaryland | archive | newest entry | profile