July 21, 2003 monday - 22:21

the day passes, quickly, as i do nothing. but sometimes i turn and i get glimpses of you in my minds eye. and i struggle to remember your face, your smile, your voice. i see first the sunlit morning, then the old church, then the group of us, then your shirt, then your hair, and then your face. i don't remember.

and trawling through that flash of sunlight i find memories of you and you and all the others.. so awful and yet so meaningless.

i miss you. i cry for you. i want you. you and you and you. all of you. i pray for your joy. it is all i can do.


i don't understand. it's confusing. why do i feel this way? why do i dodge around the word depressed? am i? i dare not find out; on job application forms there are these "have you ever been diagnosed with a ... psychological illness?" and i have to say no.

but am i? if not, why then is everything so cutting, so painful? why does the passing of days fall into a dull, discoloured thudding-along? why is it that sadness lurks so casually around the fringes of my heart?

i just pray that one day God will lead me to a person who is hurting so, and i will be able to say i understand how you feel. if i can help that one person.. it will be worth it.

and now i discover what the peace of God is. i feel joy, even in the midst of sorrow. i know He is with me.

change me, Lord, forever and ever.. change me. i am Yours. use me.

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