the end, where all the lines stopped, was where the rain came down

April 22, 2002 Monday - 22:24

in the midst of despair and hunger, i realise this: it is far, far better to ache in the body and the mind than to ache in the soul.

i can't take it.

hunger is what i want to feel. it is something i can be sure in. it is what i know. it is the only certainty in this excruciatingly muddled world.

it is pain, the forever constant pain that i need to remind me, i am not numb. it is like the momentary mindless destruction of knife on flesh, but it is always there, always there, always there. it is inside. it is in me.

is it not ironic, that i am - not happier, i do not know that i am - more satisfied when i am hungry.

hunger is what drives me. it is a comfort and a balm.

i can't take it.

is it wrong or right? God, why don't You tell me? maybe in my heart i know it is wrong, but it feels so much better. it makes me feel better, Lord, so do You or do You not condone it?

You will not give me a temptation i cannot bear...

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