i see you telling me i am not good enough but i already know that
November 24, 2002 Sunday - 01:48
i am starting to wonder if i am some sort of abnormality. i used to think happy people were shallow. i used to think people were immature. but maybe i am the weird one and not them.
things used to be pretty clear. there was a division between me and everyone else who wasn't like me. (that is, everyone else) there were parts of me i kept private, because nobody would ever be able to understand. and i was proud of that. i felt like i was normal, but with an extra depth of perception or maturity or something.
but lately.. i dunno. i'm not sure i have an extra depth of anything. i feel different.. i feel like i am less than complete. like i am somehow mentally incapable of coping with stress and exams and everything. before the As and all.. during all the other exams.. when i am stresed, i know i am stressed. but this round, i didn't feel stressed (once they started that is) yet.. it was truly truly weird.
so, i don't know now. my thoughts and my emotions and everything is all mixed up and i don't know what is good and what is not now. i can't figure it out.. don't know how to figure it out.. don't know what i am supposed to figure out. and i'm thinking, maybe i should give up on all this scholarships and ivy applications and things.. because i wouldn't be able to take it. maybe i should just go to LSE. or even NUS. or (horrors) SMU. better still, do nothing.
and everything i think about all seems to point to one thing: i'm not cut out for this life, so i should just give up and die.
i can't imagine a guy who will want me. i am stupid and argumentative and irritating. i am temperamental and when i am PMSing i get pissed off easily and when i get pissed off i could kill. i don't believe anyone will ever say about me: 'i want her to be my wife'.
i feel less than human.
and hey, i want some good depressing fanfics. from stuff i have actually seen. but most fics around are written by people who don't seem able to speak english properly. and it's boring reading story after story after story about people committing suicide or falling in love with someone they used to hate.
i can't stand mikagami/fuuko, ok. yuck yuck yuck. he is too good for her. raiha is too good for her too, actually. raiha is too good for anybody. except maybe kurei. bwahaha. and mikagami. they would look so beautiful together. like two lesbians.
and in terms of.. like, japanese martial arts or whatever you call it, i think fuuko is not a real.. fighter (dunno what word to use) neither is domon. recca, okay, maybe. because martial arts is not just being good at beating people up. it's an incredibly mental thing. people like fuuko are just thugs. *good* thugs maybe, but still. mikagami, on the other hand, fights more with his mind and his control of himself than brute strength or size or anything.
not that i would know.