August 26, 2001 Sunday - 18:19
what makes people happy, i wonder? i condemn some people for being happy just cos of the little things.. i don't mean to say i think the little things should not make you happy.. it's just that i don't see why happiness should depend on external factors. happiness, can't it be innate? that, i think, is true happiness - true joy. and my opinion is that if you can't distinguish between the superficial sort of happiness and real joy then you're shallow.
but maybe i shouldn't be so condescending. who is to say that i'm not shallow? (or worse - hypocritical?) i know i'm not exactly the most profound person around. and i have my faults too. i've tried naming them to myself, and the list goes on and on and on and on. (like selfishness. i like to talk about me and even when i try to stop doing that i say things like "i know i'm really selfish and i need to care about people other than myself more..")
i've started listening to jrock again. i was downloading songs just now, and one of the searches returned an anime song.. and that set me off looking for fanfics.. and then for songs... i really hope i don't get too addicted or anything like the way i used to be before. i really don't have the time or the energy or the .. emotion.
(reflection: isn't it weird how in so many fanfics jrockers take on personalities of their own that interviews etc etc don't imply.. and how their personalities are the same in all the fics??)
(and whenever i hear certain jrockers, i automatically feel as if i knew them intimately... because i do.i know the hyde of the slash fics, the sugi of the angst fics, the hide of the death fics...)
songs like luna sea's 'mother' are really good. especially the opening, which is so.... liquid-y.. it fills me up and makes me feel.. different. stronger, purer.
i don't want to go to school tomorrow. i remember once there was a long weekend.. and i hated it. i was longing to return to school so i could see him.
but that's not just what school is about. it's about terribly terribly long, draggy days.. sitting in the canteen in the mornings trying to do work... unending lessons... social pressures (like not wanting to walk around alone because it makes you look like you have no friends)...work, endless work...image...the aircon in the sucky classroom that's either too hot or too cold (i know i shouldn't complain, most people don't even have classrooms much less aircon)... the disgusting half-tables stuck onto chairs that we're supposed to be able to do work on...the rubbishy LTs...friends who don't care.
in a way it's not too bad though. no matter how pissed off i am, somehow someone will manage to wrestle a smile from me, unknowingly. thank you :)
i like this poet: sara teasdale. i can really relate to the stuff she's written. I Like.
thank you for last night, it was very nice of you. (seems like you're always telling me that. that it's nice of me. but do you honestly think so?) but i am beginning to think i don't suit you even more than before. perhaps it's just because i don't know you that well. i don't think i will be able to make you happy, ultimately. so.........
Aaliyah died? is that true?
hits hard, eh? i know there are tons of cliches out there, like 'you never know when/who' and things like tt...
but.. oh. my. gosh.
it's... disconcerting when the people who die are people you know but aren't close to. like this girl i knew who suicided. there's just this.. disbelief. with people who are close, it's different. there's understanding... denial... but it cuts close.
but people like these... it affects me, sure, but not as much as a death should. because i don't care.. and i think i should.
and people like aaliyah...they aren't supposed to die. they're larger than life. they don't die.. they just don't. they're not supposed to. people like aaliyah... like...hide...
someone said something. and i just realised how much i want.. for something to happen. for there to be more than just scraps of us.
but that's just my heart talking. it's what my head says that's more important.