June 18 2002 - 23:05

for all that i am in pain i am reminded all the time that i am not the only one. and it seems so selfish to be sad for myself.

but i can't help it. nothing is... pleasant... any more. i can't move faster than a crawl and i avoid stairs now. i can't bring myself to study. i can't be happy for my friends. what friends.

but if i am not sad for myself, who will be sad for me? because... nobody cares. the Lord teaches us to love our neighbour... but i cannot love myself.

and i am imperfect.

why, why this sorrow?

and i am useless. i want to give up art. i want nobody to think any longer that i am talented. i am not. i do not even enjoy doing it any more. no more art, no more beauty, no more philosophy and elation and that strange joy that comes from a creative mind.

all i want is the dull and the conformist. i don't care any more. i just want to disappear. i am too tired. when can i say goodbye?

- 0006 hrs - saturday - july 20

music: vision of escaflowne ost

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there is grief and frustration but nobody to hold me and salve the pain that i feel. there is nobody who cares enough to tell me the lies that i will not believe but will appreciate. there is nobody who i care enough about whom i will let near me. there is misery and it loves company and the company is me alone.

there is nothing around me but loneliness. there is nothing in my eyes nothing in my heart and nothing in my stomach. i am bursting exploding from the emptiness. i do not understand anything.

all i've been doing today is going to the kitchen and SMELLING food. smelling and smelling and drooling over all those things i cannot eat. i love food. *sad smile*

is it worth it?

i cannot ....


- 2133 hrs - sunday - july 14

music: dave matthews band

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i want to eat.

i hate myself.

- 1355 hrs - monday - july 8

music: linkin park

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to Cheryl: (name has been changed)

i don't think i know you any more. i will not bother you unless you invite my presence. we are no longer close. you don't care about me. when i was happier, funnier, livelier, you loved me. but now that i am sad and quiet it is hard to bear me. so you have other friends now. i feel so left out. but then again, i do not wish to be a part of your silly laughing group. i am less important to you than that girl we just met. i do not know what goes on with you.

and it is my fault.

- 1458 hrs - wednesday - july 3

music: delirious

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during the 40-day fast i am juice fasting. my walk with God has been so... well. and i want to do this to learn to rely on Him better. maybe i will be able to learn His plans for me.. learn His love for me. learn that i am not alone in this world. learn all the things He wants me to.

before i only managed to abstain from eating from 2 days, max. but now that i rely on Him i know i will go further.

and yet... i think somehow i do this for the wrong reasons. Not eating for 40 days - is that not the anorexic's dream? i admit that when i think about it the idea of losing that much weight is the most exciting to me. and if i know i will not lose weight in this process i doubt i would want to fast.

maybe it would be more meaningful to have 3 meals a day rather than none at all. all the reasons my friends gave me for their fasting... these are, in a very warped way, the rules that govern my eating anyway.

but this time.. i do not tell myself i am strong. i am weak, but my Lord is strong. and He will make His face shown to me.

i dread and look forward to the next forty days. God will be my guide.

- 1837 hrs - monday - july 1

music: x japan

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the exams are over.. for now.. and i should feel relieved. i guess maybe i am, somewhat.. but not really. everything seems to hang so heavily nowadays. i can't sleep. i just lie in bed, awake and aware, and stare into the ceiling until the sun comes up. (that was a bit of an exaggeration.) i am alive all that time while everyone else is not, and i am in my own private universe. while all the world is sleeping i am awake and i own the world. and i persist through their dreams and the sighs of a city awaking with the morning and the birds. and to everyone it is a new day but i am still the same, nothing is new and nothing is changed and everything is old and tired tired tired.

that other night i think i finally discovered what people mean when they say depression is stupefying. all the time i have felt only dread and tiredness and slowness.. but that night.. i was paralysed. and nothing i could do or think could make it better.

and i understand only nothing.

and life goes on.

- 2310 hrs - saturday - june 30

music: akira ost

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the econs paper today was... was... bad. i have never never come out of an exam feeling so prepared to fail. i tried. i really really did. i remembered stuff. but everything just mixed up into on big continuous confusing blur. i didn't know what to say. was the economy in equilibrium or disequilibrium? should i write about fiscal and monetary policy or the multiplier? i didn't know what to write.. i felt like crying when i saw the questions, but after that i just.. joked and laughed and everything. acted as if everything was fine, when it wasn't. why? a failure NOW is going to be bad for scholarships.. bad for everything..

and yet i already knew before i went in that i would do badly, that i was unprepared, that i didn't know anything.

while i was studying, i felt like i was swallowing words, words that had no meaning, words that were all the same but different, words that meant nothing but had to be remembered.. plucking out words and sticking them on my forehead hoping they wouldn't fall off. eating notes, page after page after page. stacks of notes, on my bedroom floor, computer table, chair, study table, shelves, study floor.. everywhere i turn are huge stacks of notes... and this only a common test, only macroecons, only a bit, only a bit..

why can't i understand econs? doesn't everyone understand econs? i used to have confidence in myself, that i was inherently smart, or at least as smart as everyone else, so if they get it i should too. but i don't.

no matter how much i tried to remember i couldn't. nothing. and then i tried to sleep but i couldn't, i just lay in bed for 2.5 hours and then i had to get up, and i prayed, i kept telling myself, it will be okay, it will be okay, trust God to make it okay. but it wasn't. and i couldn't sleep. i could only think about rest, think about death, think about all the times i &*@#ed with my life. in sec 4 i took 23 aspirin and then went for my chem prac. i was so stressed cos i couldn't do chem and i wanted a way out of doing the prac. but i didn't collapse or anything. there was a funny buzz in my ears the whole day, and i was shaking, i was sweating, and i broke a beaker. ironically though that was the best score i ever had on a chem prac.. -_-;;

chem then was like econs is now. except everyone (including myself) had lower expectations of me then. i try to remember everything but i can't. and i'm terrified i won't do well at the end of the year. like chem.. i only had an a2 for the Os. what if i don't get my A for econs? chem was one of nine subjects, econs is one of only FOUR. and nobody expected anything much of me in sec 4. now if i don't do well i don't think i will be able to forgive myself. in a school where most people get straight As. where an acceptable SAT score is 1500+. i just want to disappear from myself and turn into some sort of results-spewing robot. because this is my school, this is my country, this is my life. if you don't get your As (A levels) and distinctions (S levels) and your 800s (SATs) and your PSC scholarships and your ECA records you are nothing. it doesn't matter if you are a wonderful person, because if you are not perfect this way you mean nothing to anyone. i have no identity but my subjects. am i arts or science? mainstream or humanities? three or four subjects? none or one or two s papers? i am not the person that i believe i am. i am Student.

and nobody cares. because we are all Student.

- 2019 hrs - tuesday - june 25

music: cocco

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i think i am too theoretical. do i do things because i want to or because i think i should? do i cry because i feel like crying, or because i think i should cry?

i cried last night. i don't know why. i just cried.

and i bled last night. i made a picture with blood.

there are so many miseries that i feel and i don't know why. i don't even know what i feel. do i really feel sad.. or do i only think i feel sad, and thus convince myself i am sad.. when i am not?

why am i doing this.. studying thing? is it just me, just my country, where all the kids are stressed out, where education corrodes away at youth, until there is nothing left but a dried out grown up kid? or is it the same, the world over? is every child stripped of his childhood?

or is childhood overrated anyway...?

but i am a different person from that girl who disappeared last night. i am not she who cries. i am not that same person. in the day i am strong, i do not need another. i am not that girl who cries in the night.

i am not now that girl.

i do not know her.

- 1528 hrs - friday - june 21

music: tchaikovsky

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exams.. exams..

i have to do an art piece or two and it has to be dry before the 13.. i can only start on the 29.. oils take about two weeks.. i need to frame it.. dare i commit the time NOW? if i start now it'll be dry by then.. but i need to study

ARGH why am i such a procrastinator??!!

- 1834 hrs - wednesday - june 19

music: ghost in the shell ost

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