i don't understand

September 14, 2004 tuesday - 14:31

so here i am.

somehow i feel lost. i don't know whoat i am supposed to be doing. i don't know what my purpose is.

somehow i seem to be operating in safe mode. everything is blur, everything is grey, nothing works. social skills are breaking down. resolve is breaking down. drive is not working. i see but i don't see. i don't respond.

i sleep, i wake, i eat, i sit through lectures, i return to my room, i sleep, i wake, i eat, i bathe, i read, i sleep, i eat, i read, i sleep.

i don't feel anything

except that my heart is broken. he is so wonderful, almost everything about him oozes attractiveness, and i want him so much. but of course, i can never have him. it sucks because when i look around, nobody else is anywhere near his standard. why aren't people made like him any more.

when i look at him, its not as if my heart melts, its not as if my world stops, its not as if any of those romantic things. when i look at him.. i see his arms, his face, his profile, his body, i hear his words, i see his intellect.. and i want him.

i want him i want him.

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