so what happens now?

March 24, 2004 wednesday - 09:37

i'm sitting in school thanking God for the wireless connection that's (supposed to be) campus-wide. this is really the best thing about NUS.

i feel.. unsettled.
i wish i were less selfish, that i thought more of others, that i cared more about what people go through in this world. i wish it didn't matter so much what i am feeling, that i didn't always need to win, to be the first, to be the best, the smartest, the prettiest, the most popular, the richest, the most talented, the most perfect.. because i'm not. and i am only so little and so small and really it makes more logical sense to use this life to help others than to just sit here and be sad about how he got an A but i got a B even though they all got Cs.

and yet it's hard.. i can't explain it. it's just so hard to want to do anything.. to even care. it is like living on a contingency, saving my energy for the crisis, when i need to be strong.. but where are the crises? what am i saving my strength for? or is it just that i have no strength?

i am reminded that i am a child of God and that without Him i am nothing. nothing. but i feel so wrong and it's hard to imagine how Someone so right could have meant for me to be this way. and i feel like i am compartmentalising God, that when i think and speak of Him i must be a good happy Christian girl, where whatever issues i have must be Christian-analysed and so easily solved - take a prayer and have a good rest and call me in the morning.

but they're not. and they spill over to the other part of me and in this part i am in my head and i am alone and nothing makes sense except those verses in Ecclesiastes. they make sense.. too much sense. Jude's pain and Maugham's bondage and Mishima's obsession and the mud of the Western Front. messing and slipping and i come out dirty and clear and confused.

and i don't have the energy and i don't have the will. contemplating my navel is as much as i can take. and it's so hard... yet i can't put my finger on exactly what is so hard. it's not the living, not the trying, not the work.. it's all that and more, it's all that and less. and thus is this entry, as with so many others, where i complain and wallow in self-pity. what a pathetic person am i.

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