twisted into two
July 19, 2003 saturday - 00:00
you make me feel fear. like i am a little girl again, remembering homework i haven't done. you make me feel like crying. i feel so mixed up, being with you. i don't want to be near you, yet i don't want you to leave.
you have no idea how twisted you make me feel. my heart digs itself so painfully into my chest; it refuses to feel anything for you. it refuses to be moved. but it hurts anyway. it flutters awfully, taking me in.
you make me feel like i have to prove myself to you. i am better than you. i am better than you. i am better than you.
your voice crawls over my skin, velvet, familiar. i dare not lift my eyes to meet yours. i am afraid that you will catch me looking. i am afraid of holding a conversation with you. i speak, you reply, we laugh, i look away. my stomach churns.
don't leave, please don't leave. yet you must. i cannot breathe, your scent is too near. i feel torn in two directions. it is forbidden for me to desire.. your heart is already spoken for. and even if it were not, i am not worthy.
you make me feel hollow. empty. you make me feel ashamed of the things i am proud of. you are everything i am not and everything i hope to be. i will not cry. i will not cry. i will not cry, not over you.
i try to impress you, but when you react in the way i want, it feels not as i expected. i flinch from your touch. i dare not speak to you, but i don't want you to leave the room either. you make me feel things i cannot understand. i have no control.
i want you. but i musn't. i will not cry. i will not cry. i don't love you. but i want to love you.
please don't go. please stay and let me get to know you. please... please... make me feel alive.