the most hideous thing of all

December 08, 2003 monday - 21:54

remember i usd to go for two hour runs. not now. less than an hour. but still long enough.

the sweat. cooling in the evening air, somtimes it makes my skin itchy like a blanket of mosquito bites over my body. the pain. the old jarring ache in my ankle, the shin splints that never went away, the lactic, the feeling that my lungs are being held and compressed. and tiredness, and ache, all over. the shoes that don't fit that well that my toes sometimes jam against when i move forward and it hurts. the mind games. wanting to stop, wanting to stop, but keep going, with small goals, streetlamp by streetlamp. lying that the end is just five or so metres away but really after those five metres i will go five metres more, five metres more, five metres more... the stupid song that keeps running over and over in my head that regulates the rhythm of my steps.

i hate it, i hate the running, the mind games, the slowness - i hate it so much but still i do it because of the disciplien and the determination that i hate also because it forces me to run when i don't want to i hate it all. pain is temporary but glory is forever? not quite.

i like the sprints, the speed, the quick bursts, not needing to save up energy for the kilometres to come, the higher stakes.. not this slow plodding step after step after step where it is not speed but stamina that really counts - anyone can get stamina but speed? no.

i hate running. and it is too much a part of me. why??!?

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