s 300 cap 224

January 1, 2004 thursday - 23:15

maybe i am not cut out to fall in love. i dare not take the risks and i have not the courage for the fighting and the tensions, and the breaking, that is part of a relationship. and maybe loneliness and not love provides the constancy that i need. it does not demand anything of me i cannot give and it does not drive me to anger and it does not hurt me more than i can bear.

and now it is back to reality, back from luxury and splendour and decadence, from careless spending (of money and time and joy and energy), from quiet lazy days.

i feel like i am entering again a tunnel the end of which is only a faintly glimmering mirage in the distance. the sides of the tunnel press in on me, i cannot go backward, but it is so hard to go forward. the lighting is harsh, throwing shadows into sharp relief, hiding nothing, showing how terribly difficult the way ahead is.

please please let there be meaning to all this.

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