a woman never shows her fears, in order to survive
January 04, 2003 Saturday - 01:58
when i was in secondary school, i used to like writing english compositions in the second person pov.
you sit alone, at night. you don't yet feel sleepy enough to go to bed. but you have nothing to do. there's nothing on tv. nothing on the net. nothing on your handphone.
and you feel not good enough.
you realise, for so long, you have been pretending to be someone you are not, so that you do not have to face yourself, and your inferiority. you fool everyone, and maybe yourself, into believing you are smarter, thinner, prettier, more popular, funnier, more able, than you actually are. you have tried to run with the greatest.
you forget that you don't deserve to. you forget that it is all a lie. that you are actually, intrinsically,
inadequate. the word resounds, a quiet accusation, in your mind, in the silence.
it's time to wake up to the morning. you must stop dreaming. you must take a good look at yourself and recognise your flaws.
you are tired of being the same. tired of the same old mindset, the same old appearances, the same old voices, the same old you. the world is different, but you are the same. and so how can you hope to survive?
inadequate. you realise it now. and you know what you are thinking goes against everything you have been trying to believe in, everything you know is true. you know it doesn't matter that you are inadequate, because you are only human and "all fall short of the glory of God" yet He loves you anyway.
but you still hurt. and the memory of the pain is pulling at you, seductively. you want to give in, and succumb to the waves of self-pity and melancholy. you want to enjoy, perversely, feeling pathetic. and all this is tied up in a hunger. you remember what it feels like to be hungry. you ache for that hunger. it doesn't mean much by itself but it is everything to you. this hunger. it fills you so you have no room for yourself, which is what you want. and you try to forget that it fills you so you have no room for God.
you know that, right now, God is demanding of you an answer. who do you choose to serve? Him? or that tempting terrible hunger? you still hold on the the hope that both can co-exist, even though you already decided they cannot. you know which you want to give up. but how can you give up on God?
why is it that religion seems so limiting to you? it should be fun, it should be fulfilling, it should be beautiful. more beautiful than anything in the world. why is it then that it only hurts?
you have no answers. but you know what you should choose. any way, it will be painful. maybe more than you can imagine. you realise that maybe your life consists of only two halves, and that now you are being made to give up one. it will hurt.
you are not ready. and you are scared.
and you cannot decide. you still want to believe that the two can co-exist.
we will see.