getting sleepy

November 12, 2001 Monday - 02:30

it's night. it's really bright in my study, the lights are all on, even the ones outside (though that's quite irrelevant..) and i'm staring right into the computer (duh) and i realised the screen is so bright it's making me squint.

but i can still feel the darkness. i feel like i'm sitting in the only spot of brightness in a landscape of black.. it sounds morbid, perhaps, but it isn't - the blackness is sort of warm, velvety, non-malicious.

it's so lovely. this loneliness, solitude. tomorrow (later?) i'll have to wake up, change, go out, train. sigh. i'm not looking forward to it - though i know i should exercise more. i haven't been doing enough. what if the weight comes back? eek.
but anyway. i don't have to worry about that though, i just need to live in the NOW. enjoying the night. the feeling of somehow floating brainless and unworried in the vastness of forever. and the hunger that is growing in my stomach.


i tried to eat more, because -------. but i don't want to anymore. i can't; it'll make me fat. and the reason i was eating in the first place - it isn't good enough.

and i feel really really bad about it. i know i can lose weight if i want to, i just need to put my mind to it. i know i can.

and YOU, just mind your own business. don't you dare tell me what to do when you don't really care. stop making ME live according to YOUR principles.

and i need you now somehow
- silverchair, 'ana's song'


i'm thinking of... you, again. who are you?

it's me, really.

i love him - but he is not a real person. he is every guy i like. the heartache i feel is the same, no matter who he happens to be currently.

kokoro ni ai wa iranai

nothing lasts, anyway. i'm only 17. nothing i do now, think now, feel now - nothing will stand the desolation of time. so i just need to tell myself, what i want and feel in the now cannot affect the later, so i shouldn't worry about it.

one day i'll fly away
- moulin rouge

i just need to endure.. time will pass.. and things will be forgotten...


i want to go pubbing.

it was fun once. when i could just dance and dance and dance and sweat and start forgetting. when i started to feel like i was losing my personality, or something.

but i don't manage to feel like that anymore.

i could drink, but the morning after, well,..... besides, i don't forget when i get drunk, even when i'm throwing up more stuff than i seem to have eaten in days.

but i want to dance, and throw my mind away the way i used to be able to.


and i miss him. and i remember when it seemed like he was within touching distance...

no more.

but who cares? not i. nothing matters.

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