exams soon

August 31, 2001 Friday - 17:46

dammit.

=====

then he lies awake and wonders,
why can't that be me
...
all she wants is that something to hold on to,
that's all she needs

if i could be like that, i would give anything,
just to live one day, in those shoes

- 3 doors down, 'be like that'

=====

do i feel worse if i eat, or if i don't? i hate it that i've lost weight and it doesn't show, that i don't eat yet gain weight, that i can't not eat until i'm totally stuffed...

Paranoia's all I got left
I don't know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed/but
I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
It's like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
[And watches everything]
...
It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a/whirlwind inside of my head
It's like/I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

- linkin park, 'papercut'

=====

i hate myself! i feel so ugly, so dirty, so dirty, so awful. i want to curl up in a corner and cry... or die. i'm sick of myself...

cut my life into pieces...
cause i'm losing my sight,
losing my mind,
wish somebody would tell me i'm fine

-papa roach, 'last resort'

=====

i hate myself!!!!!!! i wish someone would hurt me, badly, cos i deserve it, i don't want to be happy anymore, i can't stand it, cut my life into pieces. ican'tstandit i'm a creep,.../ i don't belong here...

i'm angry and mad and pissed at myself, wish i were different, if i could start again / a million miles away / i would keep myself / i would find a way

i can't express the way i feel, the intense insane disappointment and anger i feel at myself, i feel trapped, upset, stifled. i'm a failure, i'm rotten, i'm a terrible terrible person. if i get fat i totally deserve to be. i hate hate hate myself and i want to change but i can't, i can't even control what i eat, i want to have control / i want a perfect body / i want a perfect soul but feel like a piece of shit. it's ridiculous to like him because i'm so not good enough for him, he's like the sky and i'm the scum of the earth, not worthy to be the dirt beneath his feet, not worthy of all the friends i have, of anyone who loves me, i suck i suck i suck suck sucksucksuck.

i'm not beautiful, i'm ugly, i'm sick. i don't deserve anything i've been given and i'm so lucky... you were given so much less but have achieved so much more, you're beautiful, you're perfect, i envy you, i don't deserve your friendship, i hate myself for imposing myself on you, i really respect you, you make me ashamed of myself, if you have what i do what would you be? if you treated me like shit it wouldn't be less than i deserve but you don't and i know you never will, you're too good.

i hate myself.

argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's like a face i hold inside... / a face that laughs every time i fall.../...the fact of the matter is / i can't add up to what you can

i scream in my head to shut out the shame, close my eyes and my ears to block out the world, leave me alone please leave me alone... i hate myself i hate myself i am ugly and disgusting i don't deserve love i don't deserve anything i'm a creep... / i don't belong here...

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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